Think back to the marvel of your high school days.

You know the cliques-the nerds, the cheerleaders, the “in” crowd, the band dorks. You know how it goes-everybody has a group and none dare to cross their group lines to attempt to enter another group. Sad fact of adolescent life? Well, believe it or not, those groups still exist to some extent. In Silicon Valley, there are the geeks and then there are the non-geeks.

Silicon Valley is located in Northern California. It encompasses most of the San Francisco Bay area, but it sits primarily between the cities of San Francisco and San Jose. Some say it includes both those big cities, some say it’s only the areas in between. But, no matter whom you ask, they all say the area is filled entirely with technical, computer-geek types. However, they are a little wrong in that assessment. I am one of the few living, breathing, non-technical people living in the Valley of the Nerds.

It’s a rough life living in a world full of smart, technical people. I can use a computer-actually, I am a very proficient computer user. But, unfortunately, I simply don’t compare with the standard Silicon Valley geek. They use words like “html, xrp, webserver”, etc. These words have no meaning to me. And, for the rest of you non-techies please don’t try to pretend you know what these people are talking about. Computer geeks can spot a fake a mile away. Groups are all about definition. And they cling tenaciously to the artificial boundaries that separate them from other groups. If a new person wants to try to not be singled out as a non-techie, they need to learn a few things about trying to blend in.

Truth be told, it’s actually my physical appearance that gives me away as a non-technical person. I just don’t fit in. I am tanned, dress well, always have my makeup and hair “just so”. Unrelated, but also a dead give away, is the fact that I read romance and mystery novels and love dogs. None of the above characteristics are anything near the typical techie-nerd type. Here’s a few tips if you at least want to “walk the walk” (even if you can’t “talk the talk”) in Silicon Valley.

The first way to spot a “geek” is to simply look at a person’s appearance. Techie-types are never suntanned. They stay inside staring at the computer way too much, and as such, never go out in the sun. (Truthfully, most geeks probably want to go out in the sun. They simply forget to leave the office.) So, geeks always have a sort of sickly looking white pallor.

Geeks also often have a slightly “unkempt” look to them. They often forget to change their clothes, so they often looked wrinkled and “unwashed.” Geeks never wear business suits. Most of them work for “startup” Internet companies, so they generally wear shorts or jeans. All geeks carry a laptop. Really, a laptop goes automatically wherever a geek goes. I’m not exaggerating - they bring laptops to restaurants, movies, even bars.

Most geeks are also sadly out of shape. This doesn’t mean overweight necessarily - it just means that they don’t have that “toned” look. According to John, Silicon Valley computer geek who achieved geekiness around age 19, he once “saw a 24 hour gym” but he “didn’t go in.” I’m sure that most geeks really mean to workout - but like other things, they simply forget to.

Finally, geeks never read novels. They only read techie magazines with titles like “PC World” and “Business Review.”

I would like to say, however, that geeks make very good dates, and ultimately very good spouses. Just think about it for a minute. A geek would never cheat. They are so unaware of their surroundings that they would never notice someone to cheat with. Geeks are very loyal, because they know that it is difficult to get a date simply because of their geekhood. Once they are dating you, they’re yours forever. Geeks are also interested in whatever you are interested in. Bits and bytes dominate a geek’s life, so a chance to do something different (like go to a movie or out to dinner) is very inviting for them.

Aside from the overwhelming number of computer geeks in the area, a person can tell they are in Silicon Valley simply by looking around at their surroundings. All the bulletin boards along the freeway have signs with the word “.Com” after everything. A look at the front page of every local newspaper will show titles such as “Stocks in Silicon Valley”, “How to Make the Most of your Money after Cashing Out”, etc. Geeks have no interest in reading about art or theatre, for example - all they care about are the local stock prices. Looking around, a person will also quickly realize that there are many, many more males in the area than females. Most married men in the valley are “transports” from elsewhere, and were therefore already married upon arrival to the valley.

The conversations in the area are a definite clue as to the area in which you reside. All conversations begin with, “which technical firm do you work for?” or “what stock options did you get at your company?” Conversations don’t revolve around the world or current events. Remember, there are no world events, because there is no world outside of Silicon Valley.

Although Silicon Valley is full of geeks, there are still a couple of “cool” people in the Valley. I am one of those people. And, although I’m sure I stick out like a sore thumb around here, I am certainly trying to fit in (at least a little bit). But, as my friend John the computer geek says, “the majority [of what I say about computer geeks] is true.”

Copyright © 1999 Marilyn Grey

Marilyn Grey was born and raised in San Diego, California. A city, in the words of her father that is: “truly paradise.” Her father is an immigrant from Canada. She works for a large corporation in the San Francisco area and is also a full time student. She’s been living in the San Francisco area since November of 1998 and is married to a computer engineer-a man she went to high school with, yet never spoke one single word to, during the entire four-year period. She wants to be a journalist.