Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to have a television stuck up your ass? I

never gave it much consideration either until I went in for my first colonoscopy. Having a colonoscopy is the plumbing equivalent of having a roto-rooter treatment for your intestines. Basically, it is a procedure that checks the intestine for cancerous growths and other harmful items that could be life threatening. It has been instrumental in helping to diagnose colon cancer and helping to stop it before it spreads. That it is a good procedure no one can deny.

Still, the idea of having a four-foot long cable with a television camera on it fishing around your insides does not qualify as a fun thing to do. It will never be a ride at Disneyland or at Six Flags amusement parks. In addition to being brutally inserted into the rectum, the device also blows air into the intestines to make them stretch so the doctor can view the entire lining of the bowel. Having air blown up your butt is like farting in reverse. It is not pleasant. Nevertheless, it is a valuable procedure.

If you have the desire, you can actually watch on television while the doctor runs the roto-rooter. Some people actually save the videotape so they can watch the thrilling procedure in the comfort of their homes any time they please. In lieu of vacation pictures what could be more thrilling than a personal screening of your friend’s latest colonoscopy?

This procedure becomes a regular occurrence once you reach a certain age. It is important that you take advantage of this technology to keep yourself healthy. My mother died of colon cancer and I wish the procedure had been available at that time. Perhaps, she would still be with me. Nevertheless, when it is time for my next “routine” colonoscopy, I think I’ll make a dentist appointment.

Copyright © 1999 D. Barbera

D. Barbera’s unorthodox perspective on technology and health provided much amusemement for *spark staff upon receiving his story about his first colonoscopy. This is his first contribution to *spark-online.