the stepford kids: sounds from a vacuum >> by viki reed >> *spark-online issue thirteen

The WB Network's "Young Americans" was the last straw. Between gagging on the likes of: "N'Sync", "Backstreet Boys", "Dawson's Freaks", Britney, Christina, Monica, Puffy, Buffy, Angel, Ally, Sabrina, Popular, "Freeks and Geeks", "Titus", "Malcolm in the Middle", and "That `70's Show"; it's all a big Party of Hives.

How long will the TV-viewing public be doomed to a schedule dominated by programming for post-pubescent-obsessed males and pre-Spice Girls who are too old for Pokemon? It's not even interesting to see armies of freshly-picked actors portray people their age who possess phenomenal hair and impossibly shaman-esque wisdom. It took me a divorce, two evictions, remarriage, natural-childbirth, bankruptcy, car-payments, abortion, and lots of therapy to have half-the maturity and confidence of that 'sassalina' "Felicity".

With all the channels that cable and satellite television have to offer, why have I seen more documentaries about WWI dogfights and house remodeling specials in the last few years than in the last 25 years? I'm not alone in occasionally making a habit of "Jeffersons" reruns, either.

Denial, hilarious irresponsibility and self-indulgence may well be this music-video-saturated media trend's only resemblance to actual teen philosophy--as if we cared anyway. "7th Heaven", "Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Shop", "Dharma and Greg", not to mention no more than one hour at a time of MTV viewing, have incorrectly instructed everyone as to what situations are actually comedic. It's not just the aching youth shows that are afflicted, but these 'early thirtyish character driven comedies' as well.

A show that could be good if it didn't aim at an audience of college kids. Christopher Titus, the creator and star of "Titus", (he's probably over 30 in real life, but he 'plays' a "902-Young-0" version of himself) had the savvy to know that his real father's craven depravity was the funniest thing in his act, but Fox Television Networks were concerned about the monolithic demographic in question. (A marketing strategy that doesn't make sense because elders own all the markets except the senior bandwidth; just ask any fifty-year-old when their kids stopped asking for money.)

So scenes with Pater Titus (played by portably intense career actor Stacey Keach) become foot-notes to pizza-box-punch-lines driving the show away from these delicious flashbacks. Score one for the intellectual puppies.

Face chills. The tedium of what young people accept as 'good', 'cool', or 'interesting' is making lots of fairly smart people very uncomfortable. Why should stressed-out adults have to bob through hours of highly irritating commercials, promos, and insultingly formulaic shows only to find that Hollywood and advertising folks think they want to see "Touched By Frasier's Angel" or "Alex Trebec, Texas Ranger". It's been slim pickings since "Homocide" and "The Larry Sanders Show" went off-air. "Mad About You" was never funny, and it's unlikely we'll see anyone like Fred Sandford carrying sitcom again. HBO does better with "The Sopranos", which tries too hard to be adult; and is little more than a gumba "Dynasty" ("Sex and the City" being a “Tampax Dallas").

The cultish movement that has transformed nearly every broadcasting minute into a pimples and report card festival didn't start in the 1990's; it began when parents started spending a thousand US dollars on a Cabbage Patch Doll. Marketing executives made the painful interpretation of this event and others like it that would dictate the downfall of reasonably adult and complex television.

I accept personal responsibility for buying a Bay City Roller's album 24 years ago. No one twisted my arm but I got over it. Eventually life revealed itself to be the nervous breakdown it is--instead of the laugh-track and dramatic-pause which prime-time TV has morphed into. These are days ruled by people born in the 1970's and 80's. It is their lack of reference (to them, "Inspector Gadget" has the same Golden-Oldie tint as "The Twilight Zone") that will continue to deliver more rancid gum-drop shows. This is not my fault and I can't stop it from being the mode.

Just do something for the discerning viewer in return. No more hospital shows, not everything David Kelly and Steven Bochco do is actually interesting, and there should be a limit to the amount of sexy shows about New Yorkers that Darren Starr can produce. No more hour long filmed cop shows. No more, gritty, real dramas about real life. Don't try to repeat good ideas like "Twin Peaks", "X-Files", "Picket Fences", "Thirtysomething", or "Star Trek". Before those great programs were made, there was nothing like them. There truly are more than thirty-six dramatic structures in this universe.

Just start by eliminating 'pouty' from your script treatments.

Viki Reed is a mother and gadfly. She likes T.V.