why bother? >> by kimberley may maurice >> *spark-online issue thirteen

I woke up this morning, my eyelids screaming at me as I forced them open upon hearing the sound of my horrendously loud alarm clock. There was an urgent plea bouncing around in my head: Why bother getting up today? If I sleep through the day, will anyone notice? Will anyone care?

I decide not. No one will miss me. No one will care.

One day becomes two weeks. Two weeks become a month, three months, a year. Oh God. One year of asking myself "Why bother?" and one year of not bothering.

First year University. I expected to crash a little bit, but I didn't expect to burn. That's what happens when you forget what life is about. If you don't keep focused, you may forget how to breathe. "But it's natural," you say. Breathing, that is. No, it isn't to everyone. Some of us have to think about it, have to remind our body to breathe in and out.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

DEPRESSION: Why bother? That's what it says. It yells at you on street corners. "You're not good enough. You're not smart enough. You're not anything enough." Why bother?

It took six years of preparation and one year to fall. I jumped. I jumped off the proverbial cliff, and no one caught me. I fell hard, simply because when I asked myself, "Why bother?" I didn't know. So I didn't. I didn't bother, and I almost died.

Today, if you ask me, "What's the point? What's the use? Why bother?" do you know what I'll say?

I'll say, "Because."

Because life is worth living, even when you'd rather be dead. Because every breath you take, every move you make is a gift. Because you should never take anything for granted. Because even the little things matter. Because you are who you are, and if you don't do it, you'll regret it sooner or later.

Bother, that is.