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Today,
everybody is a rebel.
Correction: Everyone wants to be a rebel. Of course,
we're talking about socially acceptable rebellion,
which of course includes buying the right consumables,
wearing the correct rebellious clothes, and spouting
the correct rebellious phrases. Rebellion is cool,
so long as it doesn't go too far.
Unfortunately, thanks to the omnipresent efforts
of the television news, it's hard to find anything
that shocks the general public any more. Fifty years
ago, joining an obscure religion was enough to get
disowned by the family, especially if the religion
wasn't involved with Christianity, but the thrill
of joining the Church of Satan or the Church of
the SubGenius generally fades at about the age of
17. Right now, getting a Mohawk or piercings or
a limb lopped off and replaced with prosthetics
offers all the appeal of playing with the thermostat
in your first apartment: It's terribly thrilling
to play around with that sort of freedom for the
first time, but if the parents can't punish you
for messing around any more, what's the point? Ten
years ago, coming out of the closet was an incredibly
brave and potentially dangerous act; today, to the
detriment of those who put their lives on the line,
seemingly half of the people I know who claim to
be gay are just straights who want the extra attention.
Instead of messing with Mommy and Daddy's heads
by starting a heroin habit or marrying a stripper
(male or female, take your pick), try a different
strategy. Nothing works quite so well to screw with
society than to be courteous.
Try this as an example. With the current employment
climate, the only people willing to work retail
sales positions don't expect courtesy and they generally
get none. The next time one of these characters
screams "Whaddaya want?" across a store counter,
respond in the most considerate tones possible.
Use lots of "Pleases" and "Yes, sirs" and "No, ma'ams,"
and just listen for the gears in their heads strip
out. After years of hearing incessant howls of "Do
you know who I am?" a single "Please… take your
time" throws off their entire routine. They can't
help but move a little faster or refrain from spitting
in your meal, because they have no excuse. Play
it just right, and smoke starts pouring out their
ears.
Here's one I learned from living in Portland, Oregon,
a town full of some of the rudest and most inconsiderate
people on the planet. Make a point of holding the
door open for others. This gets a better response
than using a flamethrower at a gas station. Grown
adults are so used to others slamming doors and
shoving their way in that they honestly don't know
what to do. I've had people back up through open
doors, facing me the whole time, because they were
terrified that anyone holding a door for them was
obviously going to shoot them in the back if they
turned around.
The possibilities are endless with this tactic.
Study the works of Oscar Wilde or Dorothy Parker
and use wit to take down the rude and offensive.
Wit is the true smart gun; only those familiar with
its use can use it as a weapon, and most don't even
have an adequate defense. Make a point of dressing
up in stylish but classy clothes when reporting
in to work. In an office where most of the managers
show up in ratty Izods and shorts, nothing rattles
them so much as showing up in a shirt and tie or
a well-tailored dress. I know it's expensive, but
it keeps everyone guessing that you're going to
job interviews every day, and this can be a camouflage
for the day you have that interview during your
lunch break. When driving, make a point of letting
people into your lane; when walking, stop to let
others go by. Leave tips for good service, and always
thank everyone, verbally or in letters. Be especially
courteous with police. Between the usual abuse and
toadying they receive, an eloquent and insightful
conversation usually leaves them stunned, thus giving
you an advantage when caught doing something inappropriate
or illegal.
This is the true spirit of rebellion: Any dolt can
be rude and offensive, and upgrading the level of
offensiveness just breeds more people who don't
understand the power of subtlety or restraint. ("Pull
a phone prank on me, will you? Well, I'll crap on
your front doorstep!") However, nothing rattles
the slow and arrogant than someone who plays by
different rules. Best of all, it's not something
easily imitated by wannabes who pretend to be cool.
Any idiot can dress up in a black leather jacket
and motorcycle boots and walk into a four-star restaurant
in this attire, but how many then go out of their
way to turn a hostile waiter into a friend? Ibsen
said it best: “To live is to war with trolls, and
isn't it better to take on the little bastards on
your own terms, with the one weapon they could never
use?”
Copyright
© 1999 by Paul T. Riddell
Paul
T. Riddell is a Michigan-born, Texas-raised essayist
and columnist currently infecting a multitude of
magazines, both online and print, like a bad case
of anthrax. For more abuse, please visit "The Healing
Power of Obnoxiousness" at http://www.hpoo.com.
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