In the future, if and when I become a world famous and highly respected writer, I am going to have a byline. And I am now going to decide what it will say.

I have a couple of options. I could go with the standard "Gary Baum" or I could abbreviate my initials and become "G. Baum" or "Gary B." "G. Baum" sounds nice...but it's sort of a rip off of Internet impresario Greg Beato's "G. Beato." Besides, "G. Beato" has a lot more spunk to it. But then again, any name that appears in Spin has a certain clout that mine does not possess...at least at the moment. In regards to "Gary B.," I don't think it's the best bet because, eventually, my last name's initial will be cut off and I'll be known as "Gary." (Which would be an okay thing if my name had a certain roll-off-your-tongue appeal that "Madonna" and "Brandy" have. But it doesn't. So forget that.) Conversely, I could be known just as "Baum" which, in my later years, would have its appeal. There would be "Mailer" and "Updike" and "Baum." My biggest worry is that readers will pronounce my name as "Bomb" rather than "Bow-m." As I like to tell anyone who will listen, "I may be the Bomb, but I am Gary Baum." Another option is using my middle name. Luckily, my parents spared me from having a socially awkward middle name like "Eunice" or "Theodore." My middle name is the ubiquitous "Michael." "Gary" is more memorable than "Michael" any day of the week. Any day of the month, for that matter. But my middle name does offer some unique possibilities as an initial. "D. H. Lawrence" is one of my favorite double-initial-followed-by-a-surname names. I could be "G. M. Baum." However, the "G. M." part of the name sounds, at least to me, far too close to "B. M." And I definitely do not want to be associated with bowel movements. Not that I have anything against bowel movements, mind you...it's just that they aren't my style, if you know what I mean. And not only that, General Motors is already the owner of the "Gee Em" abbreviation (phonetically speaking), at least in the public's eye. Ideally, all three of my initials would end in a hard E sound (e.g.: "E.G.B.") because I like that. I really do. But that's not the case. So let's move on to something else.

The possibility of one day becoming a verb has to be kept in mind. "Kafkaesque" sounds endearing. "Baumish" or, dare I say it, "Baumy" does not. "Baumesque" would work. No complaints there. Or even "Baumian." Actually, either would be fine, that is, if I decide to be "Baum." A third option would be to use made-up pen names. They allow for a lot of flexibility and the ability to come up with some really unique verbal identifications. My favorite cinematic names are "Atticus Finch" and "Jefferson Smith." "Atticus" has a don't-mess-with-me vibe to it and "Jefferson Smith" is about as WASPy as it gets. If you want a free pass into the establishment, choose "Jefferson Smith." That should be a maxim. Or not. Personally, my favorite fake actor name of the moment is "Brett Turner." "Brett" sounds like a first name that some young, gay soap opera actor would have. And "Turner" links you with one of the media's titans. A casting director would definitely think twice about turning down a "Turner" without proper reason. Which, if I plan on dealing with literary editors on a regular basis, would give me a pretty good reason for naming myself "Cliff Vonnegut." On a slightly different tangent, names that include literary terms have their own appeal, especially in a byline. Names such as William Wordsworth, Sarah Vowell, and Francis Prose are both scholarly and memorable. So that gives me a few other ideas to chew on, but let's move on.

I have a special place in my heart for regular, old-fashioned names. Yes, names like "Otis" and "Gene" inspire me and "Buddy" has a certain charm of its own. But I don't think I could ever be "Buddy" for two reasons. One, imagine if people that you weren't friends with had proper cause to regularly come up and ask, sweetly, "How's it going, Buddy?" Personally, I'd be thinking to myself that they should get the hell out of my face. But, again, that's just me. Two, "Buddy" is already widely known around Central and South America and this nation's political circle. "Che" Guevara and the President's dog have pretty much worn the name out of its originality in those particular geographic, social, and linguistic areas. Oh well. "Gary Baum" seems to work out pretty well, now that I have thought it through. The two, four-letter words could be placed over each other if a certain layout designer sees fit. And then again maybe not. But, you see, as much as "Atticus" would be different and "Otis" would be earnest, "Gary" suits me just fine. I guess the pen name is the equivalent of a literary package, and I want mine to be genuine.

Copyright © 1999 Gary Baum

Gary Baum is sixteen-years-old and currently attends Calabasas High School in Southern California. He writes a weekly manifesto (http://www.aphrodigitaliac.com/mm) on media, politics, and culture on the Internet and is currently the Editor-In-Chief of his high school newspaper, the Calabasas Courier.

Print Version of this article