Narrator: I can just see it now…. a group of executives huddled together in some boardroom, dreaming up the next innovation for the American family car…

Fade into dream sequence…

A large white male named Bill is speaking to a group of similarly large white males.

Bill: So, people, tell me, what is the biggest problem facing the American minivan market as we know it today?

Silence. The uneasy shifting of 100% cotton against leather. Bill is not going to say a word, and then, from the back corner, a modern-day saviour speaks.

Ted: Sir, R & D has been doing a lot of opinion polling over the past months, and we think we have found a significant glitch in the minivan phenomenon.

More silence.

Bill (teasingly): Well, spit it out Ted!

Ted: We have discovered that most parents find the minivan to be…uh…you know…. too intrusive.

Bill (emphatically): What the hell are you talking about man!

Ted: Well, sir, it's just that there is so much open area in a minivan, and no real separation between the parents up front and the kids in the back, and so the kids have this area of unrestricted access to the parents that at times can be trying. Our studies show that parents in America today can't be bothered with the trivial questions and squabbles that often erupt from the rear portion of minivans. Parents don't have time to deal with these insignificant outbursts, and once out of the house there is no television or Playstationä to divert the children's attention and keep them occupied. In short, the minivan has become a nightmarish experience for parents, largely because they have no access to traditional diversionary tactics such as home electronics.

Bill (jokingly): So what are you suggesting Ted, that we should put television in the American family minivan?

Ted (stoically): That is exactly what I am suggesting sir.

Long contemplative silence.

Bill (with enthusiasm): It's brilliant! I love it! Someone get Disney (TM), or Warner Bros.(TM), or Nickelodeon (TM), or anybody on the phone! Let's do this!

Narrator: And so it has come to pass--the ultimate tool for the American parent-the Warner Bros. Edition Chevrolet Venture (TM). No longer will parents have to deal with their children's annoying requests and remarks. Now the tools that parents use at home to keep the kids quiet and out of the way will work in the family vehicle as well. No more trivial family interaction, no more access to the outside world, no more hassle. It is a dream come true. Thank you Chevrolet (TM) for providing us with the perfect solution of how to deal with children in the twenty-first century. You are a paragon of family values.

Sneak preview of the 2002 edition: Taxicab-style bulletproof plexiglass partitions between the driver and the passengers.

Copyright © 2000 Darren C. Anderson All Rights Reserved

Darren C. Anderson grew up watching a lot of television, and does not feel that he is better off for the experience. Even to this day, he gets bored easily, lacks creativity, and is emotionally immature for not having significant relational attachments as a child. He thanks God that the Warner Bros. Chevrolet Venture (TM) was not around when he was growing up.

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