Dear Anjul,

I'm an actress trying desperately to make it to the big time. On my last audition, the director told me I can have the part but only if I agreed to have cybersex with him. I don't know what to do, I really want this part. Do you think if I have cybersex with him I'll be cheating on my boyfriend? P.S. I can only type 25 w.p.m.

Signed,

Stella Mattressback

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Dear Stella,

That's quite a dilemma you have there ... I don't know what's worse: the moral decision you have to make, or the fact that you only type 25 w.p.m. Can you say... Mavis Typing Tutorial? But for now, that's neither here nor there...

I did a little research on the subject of cybersex in order to ensure I was giving you the best advice possible.

I gave myself a rather inconspicuous nick (sexyladyfor_u_baby) and joined the room named #WifeHadAHeadacheFor10Years, ready for some cyber action. My fingers were all a tingle in anticipation.

My first "PM" (personal message) happened the moment I entered the room. The little red box on the bottom of my screen told me the user's name was Stu Gotz. I'm going to call him Stu for short.

(Stu) Hi there.

(Me) Hello...

(Stu) Loved your profile.

(I hadn't filled out a profile)

(Me) Thanks, yours is great too.

(I never looked to see if he had one)

Nothing further from Stu for the next few minutes. I know his doorbell must have rang... or maybe he was pulling popcorn out of the microwave. He couldn't possibly be talking to anyone else. I had him captivated.

The little red box lit up again.

(Stu) Got a Pic?

Hmm... Pic ... I didn't foresee this. What Pic could I send to him...I had the recent one of me on crutches after my planter wart removal. I didn't think that would work. I quickly referred to my research notes and gave the standard reply.

(Me) Don't have any yet, I'm getting one scanned.

(Stu) Kool.

I've always been wary of people who said Kool trying to be cool. I let it pass.

Another five minutes passes. I'm beginning to think I don't have Stu's full attention. I start playing a free online bingo game when I see the little red box light up again.

(Stu) So, what are you wearing?

I looked down. I had on my gray sweats, a ripped tee shirt with spaghetti stains from dinner, my fluffy bunny slippers and a cold creme pack on my face. This latest treatment came from Guatemala's rainforest mud. The commercial promised me I'd see rejuvenation in less than 10 days or my money back. I was on Day 7.

Again, I referred to my handy research notes.

Instant reply.

(Stu) ohhhhhh...

"ohhhhhh"?

Ok, I'll bite..

(Stu) I'm getting hot.

So was I, but I think I was having a hot flash.

Enough dalliance. I was going in for the kill with some of my best material now.

(Me) I have black lace pannntiees.

I drew out the word panties for emphasis. Panties is such a sexy word ...it just rolls of the tongue...paaaantieees.

(Stu) well why don't you slip them off.

My first thought was annoyance. Why is it whenever we go out and buy gorgeous lingerie, the reaction is "wow baby, now take it off". I remembered this was just fantasy. I glanced down at my cotton boxers. If I took them off, it would get really cold in here.

Wait, I don't really have to take them off. This was getting confusing now.

I must have taken a bit too long to respond.

My little red window was filled with:

(Stu) Hello?

(Stu) Still there?

(Stu) HELLO??

I flipped back to my bingo game and saw I was two numbers away from a full card.

What to do, what to do... Again, a quick referral to my notes....flip, flip...ah...perfect.

(Me) BRB.

"BRB", an acronym for the words Be Right Back. Internet chatting research shows it is also known as:

"I'm talking to someone else right now who is more interesting than you." "I'm doing something else right now that deserves my attention more than you do". "You're boring me to tears so I'm going to look around for someone else to talk to". "My husband/wife/significant other just walked in and I had to switch windows to my Scrabble game".

One of the funniest things I read in my research was a sexy, savvy women asking her attorney what the Statute of Limitations was on the "BRB".

Well, I lost the bingo round, and when I flipped back to the chat room I saw the message:

(Stu Gotz has left the room)

Hmpff.. not even a goodbye. How rude. See if I ever say pannnntieeees for him again.

In answer to your question, Stella, Anjul's Advice is: cyber away to your heart's content. Get the part, be a star. Then change your Internet nick … he'll never find you.

Is cybersex cheating? Is it morally and ethically wrong to swap sexy syntax with studmuffin strangers?

Well, you'll never know unless you get that typing speed up. How are you going to get to Carnegie Hall? Practice (mmmmm), Practice (ohhhhhhh) and.... oh, just a second ...sorry.

BRB.

Copyright © 2000 Angela Barbeisch All Rights Reserved

Angela Barbeisch, freelance humor writer and member of The Net Wits, resides at allparody.com, her site for quality humor and satire on the web.

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