Today, parents of a toy-shopping age are offered Tonka trucks made smooth as a baby's ass and Big Wheels that can now be described as Much-Smaller-Than-They-Used-To-Be-Wheels-in-Compliance-With-Helmet-Laws. What today's consumer demographic won't find, is the romanticism of risky fun. There will be no frolic and fun so lethal it could be a Mel Gibson movie. Before shrinks, corporate lawyers, and uber-professional couples desperately pursued the safe, computerized, educational playthings (that would mold their genetic equals into the genius they never were), toys had edges, flammable components, and otherwise poisonous and delightful elements.

Sure, some toys still have perilous possibilities. Pre-Gen-X'rs with tots can still buy jump ropes and wet-dishrags. There's also no changing the timeless fun of an ordinary king-size sheet. (You can be a princess, Superman, or with the help of three friends to pinch the corners tight; you can make an excellent kiddy-trampoline.) Let's face it--there's been no modification of Play-Dough in decades. They don't make this stuff salty just so you can smell it, for God's sake--eat it!

Then there are the toys that have been outlawed all together. Pellet-guns and cap guns were mandatory forms of amusement for little boys once. Now cap-guns fire powder-strips that are so mealy they couldn't kill a red-ant, and pellet-guns are considered synonymous with NRA membership or school massacres. If you deny your kid a pellet-gun, they'll only substitute with rocks, a homemade Bic-Pen blow-darts or spit-wads. At least there's comfort in the fact that phlegm isn't as accurate or dangerous as the lonesome BB.

One can't exclude standard scotch-tape. The 'pulling-your-nose-cartilage-beyond-your-eyebrows-stunt' is the kind of high time that doesn't require standing in line at Toys 'R' Us. Scotch-tape can be found at any 7-11 and can be applied to your face or any household pet for hours of joy. Ever seen a dog walk backwards indefinitely? Ever seen a cat trot an Arabian Horse? There's no question that few things warm the heart faster than watching a playmate attempt to remove Scotch-Tape from their hair. This is a toy with a versatility score of 9.

Should all else fail, there's always mom's medicine cabinet. A tampon and/or toilet paper is the secret fav of kids 5 to 11 years of age. It takes a minimum of three boxes before they get tired of watching the instantaneous expansion capabilities of your typical Super-Absorbent Tampax. Hurled upwards, the cold 'smack!' of Charmin as it sucks to the ceiling makes the $2.39 per 4-pack price well worth the investment.

Before the days when parents were no longer expected to supervise their kids, Bic-Lighters were a must-have trifle. Now all the lighters have been made childproof and bunk beds sail at half-mast. The new models didn't allow for 'flint-removal-flame-thrower transformation'. The good news is you can use any lighter to ignite hairspray or WD-40 and unload it on a hornet's nest in a pinch.

What finally made toy-makers change chemistry-sets? Kids could not care less about making invisible ink or dipping litmus paper. Either you're a kid or a scientist and everyone knows that scientists carry their chemistry sets in stainless-steel-suitcases loaded with toxins, Bunsen-burners, and glass tubes. What good is a toy if there's no worry of scalding-off your eyebrows, or having your stomach pumped?

Did you know you could butcher a cow, using an old classic Tonka-Toy Bulldozer? Yep, carve it right to the bone. Tonka should return to the indestructible design of the past, and put a FDA warning on each truck. If kids wanna kill themselves, let 'em.

Sod the boring old 'balloon' concept; Super-Elastic Bubble-Plastic puts it to shame. This was toy-goo that possessed a noxious odor and had to be wrestled out of an aluminum tube covered with cracking lead-based paint. The fun comes when you roll the goo onto a straw that sits about one inch from your nasal passages as you blow your last clean-breath into the goo. It instantly becomes a swirly colored substance that seems as psychedelic as the fumes that wrap around your cerebral cortex. A hard user of Super-Elastic Bubble-Plastic might blow 37 balls a day. There's no more Super-Elastic Bubble-Plastic in this litigious era, not a chance in hell that you'll get wrecked playing catch with yourself anymore.

Ahhh, the Easy-Bake Oven. Even 25 years after it's introduction, this toy still makes 'cakes' that taste and chew like a set of Dr. Shoales' inserts. Naturally, nothing says, "I'm a girl!" better than a combo of electricity, sheet metal, and inedible food.

There's a winsome nostalgia surrounding Christmas gifts that warn you not to ingest them or hold them near an open flame. What happened to toys that won't wash-off your hands? What happened to the fun that gives you a rash, the runs, or maybe causes you to need stitches? The sad litany of passive, expensive, merchandised, and commercialized toys that the local news promote and McDonalds sells should bear their very-real dangers in their instructions:

WARNING: IS BLAND AND SAFE!

WARNING: WILL BORE YOUR CHILD WITHIN TEN MINUTES!

WARNING: WAS CREATED TO BILK MOMMY AND DADDY!

WARNING: WILL BE SMASHED IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES BY YOUR CHILD TEN MINUTES

WARNING: AFTER OPENING!

WARNING: NOT FUN!

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