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For homosexuals
worldwide, it's always been a problem of shame. A shame created
by the very lack of dialogue on a subject that cries out for attention.
As a child of the '50s I have been forced to live a life of lies
and deception, locked in a closeted world full of unhappiness
and shame. The confusion of my sexual preference changed the person
I would become. Then, as if the weight of a thousand elephants
had been lifted off my shoulders, I found a place where dialogue
was taking place, and a whole new world opened up to me. Going
online, on the Internet, I now have access to a wide range of
resources never available to me before. My Net surfing is changing
the very core of my existence, as I begin to learn about this
thing called homosexuality, and begin to resolve issues that have
haunted me for years. Slip into a pair of my shoes and walk with
me for a bit; you have much to gain and nothing to lose.
Who would have
thought? Not me! A fairly quiet guy living my life, playing by the
rules, listening to my elders, following the spirit of the law.
I would have never known had it not been for the Internet. Oh, I
knew there were other queers out there; I just had no idea of the
number and how they were dealing with what seemed to be an impossible
lifestyle. You see, I never actually came out, never moved in with
a lover, never lived in a gay community or attended a gay event.
I did not have access to gay bookstores, gay organizations, or for
that matter, openly gay people. My exposure until recently had been
primarily with other closeted queers who, for some unknown reason,
had crossed my path and made contact. Many of them, like me, had
been forced by peer pressure to get married and have kids, to live
the straight life, to protect the job and the family.
All those mistakes
could have been avoided if the correct information had been available
to me as a young man. So here's the good news! That information
is now available on the Internet to any young man who may be dealing
with his sexuality. This will have a profound effect on the lives
of millions of homosexuals, and then on society itself.
I grew up in
a time of darkness, when people didn't talk of sex, let alone homosexuality.
The church taught, and still does teach, that homosexuality is dirty
and sinful. The parents of my generation were God-fearing people
with little ability for accepting new ideas. People did not have
the time or the resources to deal with it. Things have not changed
much, but change is overdue, and this generation seems to have more
time and absolutely more resources. I could ramble on about all
the wonderful things I have learned on the Internet, but after I
told you everything, it would boil down to one key phrase: the dismissal
of shame.
In all my life,
not one person had ever told me it was okay to be queer. As I began
my research on the Net, the first thing I realized was that I was
actually getting a view of what other people like myself were going
through. I began to take notes about the different websites I visited
to find commonalities so I could build a model, so to speak.
In my real-world
life I had never met two homosexuals living together. Online I found
almost 50 in one keyword search, and that said more to me than anything
I had learned about homosexuality in my entire life. It's important
to note that most of these men are in their thirties, so they grew
up in the '70s and '80s, not the '50s and '60s like me. Something
had changed that I was unaware of, and perhaps you were unaware
also. These men had already dealt with the dismissal of shame thing.
With each generation there is more acceptance, and these men had
no time to be dealing with shame.
I've survived
as a gay man in this society long enough to know some truths about
our battle for acceptance. You see, I watched two other groups battle
for equal rights--blacks and women--and while each has accomplished
mild gains, neither has reached the ultimate goal of equal rights.
So I accepted the fact that gays will never be totally accepted
by everyone, and therefore focused my actions on things I can attain
myself. For me the most important step is changing the way gays
are perceived by society. Knowing that one's self image is the first
step, I spend much of my time talking with other gays about the
dismissal of shame. And I guide these men to Internet sites that
can help them improve how they feel about themselves.
The websites
I feel are most important to visit are the ones where two homosexuals
have lived together as partners for many years and they're sharing
that fact with the online world. There is an absolution of shame
about them that's projected to the viewer, perhaps even a pride.
They're saying, yes, two men can love each other, live normal lives,
and be happy.
Next stop on
the journey of understanding are the sites created by teens and
young men who share coming-out stories. These young men, unlike
the boys of my youth, are more open and honest, and it appears their
presence online is aimed at validating the fact that being gay was
not a choice for them. These websites make little mention of any
struggle with sexuality, but have much to say about the lack of
acceptance by their peers and the community.
These sites
will be the stepping-stones for dialogue, which over time will bring
more understanding and tolerance. It's very exciting to live in
a time when the word "homosexual" is no longer associated with the
word "pedophile." When gay men are moving from the darkness of adult
bookstore backrooms to the openness of the Internet and are more
visible and less shameful. Dismissal of shame: it seems like such
an easy thing.
Copyright
© 2000 Eric McGriffen All Rights Reserved
Eric McGriffen
is a freelance writer and has just completed his first book, which
is autobiographical and covers the first 17 years of his life.
This 40,000 word book is available as e-matter at http://www.fatbrain.com.
"Born Queer Growing up Gay--Dismissal of Shame" offers the reader
a look at Eric's younger life which at times appears pornographic
in nature. The end of the book is dedicated to analysis of being
young and gay. Eric operates a gay portal site at http://www.shopinpa.com/data/eric.html
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