I am embarking upon a new journey in my life. I am recently divorced from a 6 year marriage. I suddenly find myself in the dating scene again. Dating scene? I'm 27 years old with 2 children. I'm way too old for this journey. I don't have the time nor the inclination to start this game again. I have no illusions that I would be able to compete with all those 20 year-old beauties out there. So why should I? What is driving me to find a stranger to share my life with again?

The most obvious answer is simple: everyone needs to be loved. Which is true. But I have 2 wonderful children who love me very much. I still have a huge family who loves me. And yet, I feel my life is incomplete. So I ask myself again, why?

As I delve down deeper into my soul, I am shocked. This driving force does not stem from the desire to be loved. No, it's something more basic. Almost as if all the thoughts and feelings of my female ancestors are being whispered into my subconscious. I need to be owned. Whoa. That's crazy! Why would I want to give over control to someone else? All my life I've been independent. I've even been immensely proud of that fact. Proud that no one can make the best decisions for me except me. I am proud that I don't ask anyone for help. That I can do everything on my own. Even in my marriage, I was independent. That's a good thing, right? I carried my own weight. That's being fair to my spouse. I was raised to be a strong woman, for heaven's sake!

With a sinking heart, I start to recall all the times my spouse tried to help me with something and had the gall to neglect to first ask me if I needed help. I would get bent out of shape, feeling as though he thought I couldn't do the job. But as I look deeper, and listen to my ancestors, I realize that there is a trait inside me that I was not taught nor have I cultivated it. This trait lived inside me thousands of years before I was born. It is an instinct. And I'm not even sure of what to call it. Dependency? No, that's not really it. Possession? Hold it. No one owns anyone else. How do I put a name to an inherent quality that is so basic as to be animalistic? This instinct makes me want to nurture and care for all the people in my life. It makes me want to satisfy needs and settle disputes. It makes me crave peace and harmony. It forces me to realize that I don't want to be the hunter or provider. I want to be the caregiver.

Women have a subconscious urge to put themselves second. Why now do I feel uncomfortable giving in to my instinct? Why did society feel that I should be taught that being the head of the family is more important than being the force behind that head? As I have grown older, I have started to slow down my frantic race to independence. I start to realize there is an empty hole in my life that needs to be filled by something. I grudgingly accept the fact that I want to be led by someone in whom I choose to put my total trust.

Since nature is a constant picture of balance, so are humans. A woman's instinct to be accommodating is countered by a man's instinct to be the provider. As we progress in our liberal ways, we are forcing others to deny their instincts as well. Unknowingly, I condemned my spouse for giving in to his natural urge to protect and care for me. I did not give him the opportunity to treat me as his most valued treasure. I didn't let him pamper me and lavish me with attention that only his most prized possession would receive, thereby effectively squelching his view of me as a goddess sent down from heaven to be his. It wasn't because I told him no. It was because I did not let him provide for me. I did not give in to my urge to remain passive and put my trust in his decision-making abilities. I refused to pamper and care for him like the king of the house. I openly ridiculed his ways that happened to be subconscious instincts. All this I did in the name of independence.

I have finally come to realize that being second has nothing to do with my ability to be first. It doesn't mean that I am less intelligent or less capable. It just means that I will be satisfied to defer decisions to someone else solely for the purpose of being able to devote my attention to more important matters. Matters like doting on my loved ones and sating all their needs. In return, I would be treated as the heavenly goddess that I know I am.

Copyright © 2000 Jennifer Suddeth All Rights Reserved

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