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This
is a film review of the movie Barfly (1987), starring
Mickey Rourke, Faye Dunaway, and several other key
actors who have since moved on to take leading roles
in luncheon meat commercials. Which reminds me of
the time my friend Josh ate bad luncheon meat at
my aunt Dorothy’s.
To
understand why Josh was eating green ham on that
lazy Sunday afternoon, one must first grasp the
despotic nature with which my aunt conducts her
kitchen affairs. Dorothy belongs to that generation
which believes that meat isn’t bad until it crawls
out of the refrigerator in search of other food
sources. Their worst enemy is my cousin, Amy, who
regularly attempts to thwart their development into
intelligent lifeforms.
Amy:
[walking towards trash can with paper bag in her
hands--there is slight movement in the bag]
Aunt
Dorothy: What’s in that bag dear?
Amy:
Hm?
Aunt Dorothy: PUT THAT BACK IN THE FRIDGE
YOU INGRATEFUL RUNT!
Amy:
But mom, it smells like CK be!
So,
as you can see, luncheon meat enjoys many perks
in my aunt’s household. Sometimes the salami will
put up an umbrella while the pastrami pours the
martinis. After a few drinks they laugh heartily
at their unexpected fortune and poke fun at the
underdeveloped corned beef. No, but seriously, it
was just awful for Amy, who regularly mailed packages
of sandwiches to Family Services. I don’t blame
Family Services for not responding.
Family Services Employee #42: Hey Anne, I
think we should do something about this girl with
the sandwiches
Family
Services Employee #19: Yes Bob, I suppose you’re...GOOD
LORD! WHAT’S THAT SMELL?!
Family Services Employee #99: WHOOH!
Family
Services Employee #76: [throwing himself out
the window]
Family
Services Employee #42: I can’t make out the
address from the tears stinging my eyes!
Family Services Employee #19: [writhing on
the floor] Gahhh...gahh
Family
Services Employee #99: I think its got Anne!
Anyway,
Josh and I were invited to a picnic at aunt Dorothy’s
one Sunday afternoon. Josh is one those friends
who invariably says ‘sure’ to everything. “Hey Josh,”
I would say, “how about we make jello and snort
it through our nose?” “Sure,” he would say. He is
always up for a good time. On this occasion, however,
I left out some important details when I voiced
my proposition (like the possibility of a toilet
bowl marathon). “Sure,” he said, “I like picnics.”
The picnic was well under way when Josh and I arrived.
I had purposely delayed our arrival in the hopes
that I could buy Amy some time to sabotage the sandwich
tray. No such luck. She was sulking in her room
that day because of Todd--her boyfriend of two weeks--who
had told her that, due to a kidney failure, he couldn’t
make it to the picnic. I’m sure this was just an
inventive scheme on Todd’s part to avoid my aunt’s
sandwiches. In many ways, I blame Todd for the events
of that day.
After
an hour of mingling with my relatives, Josh decided
he had built up a voracious appetite. I suggested
a sandwich:
Josh:
John, this meat is green.
Me: [under the influence of punch] HAHA,
yes...well...
Josh:
I’m serious man, this meat is bad.
Me:
Meat? HAHA, yes...well...
Josh:
Okay, look, I’m throwing it away...
Aunt
Dorothy: [approaching] Hey boys! Enjoying the
sandwiches?
Me:
Mmmm...HAHA...well Josh hasn’t tried his yet.
Josh:
[munch] Mmmm.
Josh
has never forgiven me for that day. Forgiveness,
I always maintain, is an ingredient missing in the
world today. This is why I rented Barfly.
Barfly
is a movie about Henry Chinaski (i.e. Charles Bukowski,
played by Mickey Rourke, played by a midget holding
a greasy mop, who was in ‘Sleepers’ with Kevin Bacon),
a counter-culture writer who thrived creatively
under the constant influence of alcohol. Art, it
would seem, flows more uninhibited from the inebriated
mind. Now, I am not saying that alcohol leads to
creative inspiration...well, maybe I am, but, do
you really want to look like Mickey Rourke did in
that movie? Did you see his underwear in that “love”
scene? They were horribly discoloured.
Faye
Dunaway plays Henry’s girlfriend; a fellow imbiber
who tries to eat raw corn on their first date. As
far as I’m concerned, Henry should have been more
in tune with such warning signals. She also has
a penchant for sleeping with other men--the main
force of the attraction being the offer of free
liquor--which, for reasons I am still unclear about,
leads her to beat Henry repeatedly with her purse
(which must have contained several large bricks
judging by the amount of blood that spurts from
his head). Henry, however, does not seem perturbed.
How could it bother him? He’s completely corked
the whole movie. This is a moral lesson for all
you young people out there who have problems forgiving
others, despite the fact that they visited you regularly
during your recovery and paid you a handsome bribe
not to tell the authorities about your aunt.
If
you like to drink, rent Barfly tonight. This movie
glorifies the bottle like ‘Mr. Holland’s Opus’ glorifies
the tuba. If you’re a fan of Charles Bukowski, then
definitely see it. It’s peppered with his anti-establishment
canon and wry observations. You will learn that
money is a prison. You will learn that, if you don’t
subscribe to some sort of culturally relevant activity,
you will probably never wash your hair. There are
several other key moral lessons in this movie but
they must be cleverly veiled because I couldn’t
find them.
Copyright
© 2000 John Wesley. All Rights Reserved
John
Wesley is a Vancouver based person. When he's not
busy being a student, he thinks about what it would
be like to be someone else. Also, he eats food and
talks to himself. At the moment, John has no idea
how to take care of the bonzai plant that he got
for his birthday. If you have any ideas, email him
here.
Read his previos article on the
real Y2K bug.
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