The 39-year old Ms. Garga, an Indian, is happily married for the past twelve years to a white American, 58 years of age: "Dennis and I get along very well—we're so different that we never get bored," she says, full of life and energy. This, perhaps, is what makes a marriage click—the partners' vivacity and the excitement of discovering different facets of each other's personality.

Too many similarities between the partners can sometimes make a passionate relationship turn stale after a few years while the more different and mature two people are, the richer the relationship becomes with the passage of time. Love is not a pit into which we fall but is a close companionship in which we grow. And, for the proper growth of this emotional bond, a varied diet is required. Attraction may join two bodies for a while but it is this ever-growing love that sustains a relationship and love depends on how much we try to understand and respect the differences in our spouse.

"He doesn't even try to understand me," and, "She nags me all the time," are common complaints but, on the other hand, there are people who spend decades together and still cannot bear to be away from each other for long. They have managed to keep their togetherness fresh. "It all depends," say the Singhs who celebrated their fiftieth marriage anniversary recently, "on how you can keep the fire burning." According to them, "the unexpected" is as important as the co-operation and understanding. They feel that the respect for the other's individuality is another factor to be kept in mind. Such thoughts seem to be common among most people who have been living together for ten years or more.

Good looks may attract initially but can never sustain the warm and tender closeness required for conjugal bliss. People are likely to get bored looking at the same face repeatedly and if there is nothing else to keep a marriage going, divorce is certain. The fate of so many Hollywood actors and actresses' marriages corroborates this. Beauty and sex may seem important to begin with but looks never last a lifetime and sex loses its importance as the years go by. If sex was as important as it is made out, male prostitutes would have been much more common and female hookers in great demand for a walk down the aisle. Sexual satisfaction is important but it is just a small part of the overall marital [or live-in] experience. Numerous African women, even after being made incapable of orgasm due to their circumcision, enjoy a good relationship with their husbands. It is the love, care and understanding that count, the differences in each other that excite. This is also the reason why inter-racial marriages are usually more successful. Sonia Gandhi, an Italian, was happily married to the late Rajiv Gandhi, former Prime Minister of India. Madhur Jaffrey, an Indian, divorced her compatriot but has already celebrated her thirty years of marriage with the American violinist, Sanford Allen. Sukhi Gill Turner from Ludhiana in the Punjab (India) is the happy helpmate of the famous New Zealand cricketer, Glen Turner since 1973. Many similar cases can be quoted. No one can claim, of course, that only those who tie the nuptial knot with a foreigner succeed or that success is certain in such cases but such relationships can and do thrive. Being different from each other may not be the only thing that keeps a relationship going but it is surely more an asset than a liability.

A fact that most couples tend to forget is that marriage is, or should be, a life-long friendship. Basically, what sustains a friendship keeps a marriage or any other good relationship alive. The main ingredients of an enduring friendship are a sympathetic attitude, trust and the ability to respect the differences in the other's personality. People, in general, are aware of the first two but few realize the need to understand and respect the other's individuality, which becomes a major cause of separation. Fewer still can even imagine how exciting it is to live with a person born and brought up in a different culture, a different environment. There is so much to learn from each other that one is rewarded with newer depths of experience every day. "Just when you think you've understood the other, an old memory from your spouse's childhood tells you how much more there remains to be learnt," says Garga. Differences in food, religion or memories of an unfamiliar country with its quaint customs all enrich one in ways not possible to describe. A woman dressed in white, for example, may remind a Christian of a wedding but to a Hindu she suggests widowhood!

Not only is an inter-racial and inter-cultural union rewarding for the couple, but their children also gain a lot from it. Most doctors agree that children who are born to such couples are "healthier and more intelligent" than those whose parents belong to the same race. A part of it may have something to do with the genes but the unique chance of being able to observe two cultures first hand, to cope with parents from two completely different backgrounds, must have its own advantages. Broadmindedness comes naturally to these 'mongrel kids' and they understand life more fully. They are also more resilient and do better in life than their 'pure race' peers.

The main problem such people and their progeny sometimes have to face is opposition from their family and ridicule from their acquaintances [true friends help in coping up with the snide remarks of others]. This disadvantage, however, is more than compensated by the numerous advantages already discussed in the preceding paragraphs.

More and more people are now realizing the advantages of these 'mixed marriages' for in such relationships the attraction of a different race and culture is nurtured into perennial love. With racial prejudices slowly crumbling and with the telephone and Internet romance increasing, it is but a matter of time until we have a global village in the true sense of the word. However, if you're still too traditional for such a helpmate, you can try a person from another religion or at least someone who is not too similar to you in thoughts and emotions.

Copyright © 2002 Deep Inder. All Rights Reserved.