"The Athenians and strangers which were there spent their time in nothing else, but either to tell or to hear some new thing." — St. Paul, Acts 17:21

In a White House Blue Room ceremony attended by Goldie Hawn, Pee Wee Herman, Whoopi Goldberg, Tom Cruise, Celine Dion, and Tom Selleck—representing a rational cross-section of Hollywood celebrity-hood both politically and multiculturally—President Bush added his signature to the Gossip Stinks Manifesto initiated by Rabbi Irwin Katsof, executive director of WordsCanHeal.org. According to Katsof, gossip may be the eighth deadly sin.

Katsof pointed to the Bible to make his case. "Leviticus 19—words right from the Big Mahoff's own mouth—forbids gossip."

"Words can heal," said President Bush. "Words can heal. My favorite philosopher Jesus said that, didn't he, Joe?"

Taken off-guard, Senator Lieberman didn't have a ready answer, so he turned to Katsof. Katsof just shrugged.

Attorney General John Ashcroft diplomatically intervened. "Jesus healed with holy words from the prophets and divine law."

Katsof nodded. "This is a great day for interfaith virtue and morality."

Donald Rumsfeld whispered to the president: "You know, Leviticus something-or-another forbids fairies."

Bush elbowed Rumsfeld in the ribs.

"In our campaign for infinite justice against the eternal evil of gossip," Ashcroft said, "anyone who refuses to stop gossiping is guilty of treason. We are at war!"

"Gossip is evil," the president added. "We must rid the world of evil. And because gossip is evil, people who gossip are necessarily evil, a threat to our national security, way of life, and democratic freedom."

"You bet!" said Rumsfeld.

Appreciative of the big governmental support, the rich and famous Hollywood celebrities—all victims at one time or another of seedy, malicious gossip—applauded the laconically adorable Rumsfeld's way with healing words.

Later that evening George and Laura were sitting around the harsh winter fire, bored and at a loss for any more loyal or patriotic American words.

"Forrest Gump was a great movie," Bush finally opined for the umpteenth time.

Laura rolled her eyes.

"Why did you roll your eyes like that?" he asked.

"You haven't seen any other movie in over five years and every night you say the same thing."

"I thought you liked Forrest Gump."

"I would like to see another romantic comedy or two we can start bringing up before bed to get us in the mood."

"Like what?"

"Oh, I don't know. How about Pulp Fiction or Reservoir Dogs?"

"They're romantic comedies?"

"That's what Jenna said."

"Jenna saw two Quentin Tarantino movies without Joe Lieberman's permission?"

"Jenna's independent, don't forget."

"She'll register Republican after she sows her wild oats."

"And hopefully after she's quit sousing on the Wild Turkey."

"Now, Laura."

"A real chippy off the old block, she is."

"Should we be gossiping about our own daughter?"

After a pregnant pause, Laura said, "I think Goldie Hawn and Hillary Clinton get it on."

"No," said Bushy. "Senator Clinton does it with Julia Roberts, who once actually told the press she dreamed about doing it with Mrs. Clinton in a West Wing broom closet, but never even once dreamed about doing it with Mr. Clinton in the Oval Office."

"Do you think Bubba cruises with the Cruise now, Bushy?"

"Going from president of the greatest country in history to a Hollywood walk-on for a character role in Picket Fences or 7th Heaven, Mr. Clinton obviously probably does it with Martin Sheen, his true idol."

"Actually, I think Ashcroft does it with Larry Flynt's mother."

"I thought Jerry Falwell did it with Larry Flynt's mother."

"Noooo, Bushy. According to Flynt, if you remember from that obscene Cincinnati Supreme Court freedom of expression case he won against Reverend Falwell for impersonating a Hustler, Falwell does it with Falwell's mother."

"Who does Joe Lieberman actually do it with? Al Gore?"

"Nope. Only Tipper can do it with Al Gore. Joe Lieberman probably does it with Yasser Arafat's mom."

"I thought Ariel Sharon did it with Yasser's mom?"

"Nope again, Bushy. Sharon does it with the pope's sister."

"Who does the pope do it with then? Condoleeza Rice?"

"Of course not! Condoleeza Rice does it with Barney's Frank."

"Now, you've really gone too far! But I'm really hot to trot now, are you?"

"You bet, Frisky . . ."

Copyright © 2002 Art Kasmz. All Rights Reserved.

Art Kasmz is a regular contributor to *spark-online.