Pollsters are heroic inventors because they actually invent opinion to their desire while claiming only to be measuring it…

I picked up the phone.

"Hello. We would like you to be a regular survey participant in our national public opinion poll of exactly 1000 American citizens representing an objective cross-section of our nation's multicultural, demographic and psychosocial diversity."

"Okay," I said.

I was bored. I figured what the hell. They think I'm representative of about 100,000 other Americans who are virtual clones of me? I could live with that kind of neo-Emersonian power!

"That's great!" said the pollster. "Right now we just need some vital personal information about you for our files and then starting tomorrow every day at this same exact time we'll be calling you to ask you different questions concerning how you feel about everything there is to feel about being alive today as an American citizen and human being."

"No prob'," I said. "Looking forward to it."

It was fun for a week. Every day the same pollster called and asked me questions in the same pleasant tone of voice.

But the following week I started noticing changes in her tone, which made me skeptically about the scientific validity of polls and statistics in general.

For instance, the week before she asked me: "Do you approve of the job President Bumass is doing?"

"Yes," I answered.

She asked the question in such a nice, pleasant tone that made me feel good to be an American and human being, that I figured why should I disapprove of the job he's doing as long as I'm alive today living in relative, reclusive creature comfort as a free American citizen and human being.

The following week though, she asked the same exact question, but this time rather sarcastically that it made me perceive President Bumass a lot differently now.

It came across like this: "Do you approooove of the job President Bummmmasssss is doingggg???"

"Fuck no!" I instinctively responded like a Pavlovian retriever.

"Pardon me?"

"I'm sorry. No, I do not. . . ."

Copyright © 2001 Art Kasmz. All Rights Reserved.

Art Kasmz resides in Pennsylvania where he studies abysses and other profound depths or voids he attempts to measure, ameliorate and illuminate—sometimes alliterate.