Growing up in a conservative town with traditional church going mentors, I learned to hide my body. I hid it from so-called guilty pleasures, from boys and from myself.

Feeling ashamed of my body seemed normal until I discovered otherwise. I didn't know how to live in my physical being—I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I was tall, skinny and awkward.

Today, I'm still all of those things, only now I appreciate my height and fitness. Unfortunately my coordination still lacks a little grace, but at least I can pretend I have Audrey Hepburn's style.

As an adult, I embraced my sensuality, and because of that I feel comfortable with my body. I even like to show it off to the world. Not in a "circus show" kind of way, but in a proud, seductive and confident manner. I don't wear skimpy clothes—nor do I wear boy-sized T-shirts showing my navel. It's not necessary to wear such clothing to be sexy and cool. Confidence, I have learned, is powerfully sexy.

It all began two summers ago when I discovered what tanning topless is all about. I was living in Munich and was dared to take my top off in the English Gardens, and so I did. The push to shed my clothing came from a friend back in Canada. He helped me realize the sensation of being free in nature. It was then I realized the unsolved mystery was over—they are just breasts and, surprisingly, it's not about sex at all.

But, maybe it was all about regaining something I'd lost. When I was 2 years old my parents thought clothes were a necessity I could live without. For that entire summer I wore hardly more than a bathing suit and even then most pictures taken of me some twenty-odd years ago are of me in my birthday suit. Perhaps that's what growing up in the 70s was all about.

As children we don't know of the shame we come to feel toward our bodies as we survive through and beyond our adolescent years. When we are children, we are young and free in who we are—society hasn't imposed its standards and restrictions upon us yet. Childhood is a return to nature in its truest form.

I am not suggesting we all take our clothes off—to be like Adam and Eve and do all our business in the buff. I am suggesting that it is simply good to embrace one's body. To let it see sunlight and feel the heat from its rays.

My friend who encouraged me to reveal my femininity in the English Gardens also taught me how to feel sure in who I am. Part of that is related to both inherent and learned confidence. The other part understands the course of events that form our beliefs about sensuality and body.

Our attitude toward our bodies can have a lot to do with where we grow up. I grew up in central Canada where the cold seasonal temperature likely contributed to my desire to cover up. Goose bumps are very unsightly.

Our body is our vehicle to take us through this world. It's our being, our history and our life. I am twenty-seven now, and I finally feel free from the burden of shame I once lived with. I am free to tan topless, but more importantly I am living my discovery of what it means to be a human being.

Plus I have no tan lines.

Copyright © 2001 Juli Strader. All Rights Reserved.