*spark>>

http://www.spark-online.com

The Pitch

By Chris Jenkins

Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to the show. Please, sit back, make yourself comfortable, and direct your attention to the screen. We are about to enter into a brave new world. Yes, that's right folks. We have finally created the technology that will set you free. Technology that will put a vast world of knowledge at your fingertips. Technology that gives every market savvy Gen-X teenager the ability to lose millions daytrading, just like the "Pro's". Technology that lets people from all walks of life share in the tragedy of Jimmy Bob Bumblefrick's seven year old daughter Melissa falling in that well and running up all those hospital bills; and the joyous glow of satisfaction that comes from knowing you did your part to help cover the cost of those bills by forwarding this email to everyone in your address book (since that nice company offered to pay five cents an email for everyone who reads it). Technology that will allow any prepubescent male with access to a credit card to view live streaming video of Apocryphilia in action (if you don't know, look it up... it's a word everyone should have in their vocabulary). Yes, folks, it's the Internet. Anything you could possibly want, right at your fingertips, along with tons of stuff you don't. What? Oh, some of you are still loading? Sorry, folks, we don't have time for slowpokes. This kind of technology evolves itself, and waits for no one. Feel free to visit the box office and upgrade your bandwidth.

Now this Applet here clearly details how you can pay your bills, balance your checkbook, pet your dog, talk to your kids about drugs, and accept Jesus into your heart, all while receiving updates on your stock, the weather, and Melissa Bumblefrick's progress out of the well. What? Oh, some of you can't see the Applet? That's because you're in the Internet Ex-Borer section. You need to seat yourself in the latest version of Nutscrape Flabigator. Sorry, folks, this is world changing technology here. We don't have time to make sure all of your seats are the same. Besides, standards limit individuality, and this technology is all about letting everyone be whoever they want to be, (especially in Chatrooms). Why, you can do anything with a mouse click except crap and eat, and believe me, we're working on it. Soon, you won't need to leave the comforting glow of your monitor for anything. What? Is a loss of human contact detrimental to humanity? What are you, some kind of anti-techno Mennonite freak? What? Will e-commerce phase out retail and associated jobs faster than any other portion of industrial development in the twentieth century? Is it unhealthy to replace real relationships with cyber-friendships? Will we overload this virtual realm with more gratuitous advertising than was ever possible in any previous form of mass media? People, people, I know you've got a lot of questions, and they'll all be answered in good time. But for now, don't look around. Just keep your eyes on the screen.

Chris Jenkins is a jaded TechnoPhile who doesn't know when to shut up. He is currently employed as a Frame Relay Tech, doing his part to keep the stream of downloadable trash uninterrupted.