Relax, We're All Racists Here: Part One Some of My Best Friends are Related to People of Other Races >> by jonathan schildbach >> *spark-online issue eleven

Excerpt from an overheard conversation at a gymnastics class for young children: There are a lot of stereotypes about the Chinese, or about any race, you know. So do you think she exhibits any of the stereotypical behaviors of Chinese people? Do you think some of those stereotypes might be based on things that are genetic or inherited or something? Like, they say that Chinese people are supposed to be inscrutable. Is she that way sometimes?"

The quote (which I did not make up) was from a white woman to another white woman who has an adopted Chinese daughter. The adoptee is about five years old, causing me to wonder if there really are 'scrutable' five-year-olds of any race. Not to promote an easily identifiable stereotype, but the quoted woman is married to a dentist, a professional housewife who drives a Chevy Suburban despite having only two children, and only having to drive the paved streets of Seattle between one neighborhood and another. She is tall, blonde and fashionable in a bland, WASP-like, mall-oriented way; and can talk no-end about her involvement in her children's activities, ongoing home renovations, and other professional housewives, their kids, and their husbands.

At any rate, I had a hard time digesting what she said, or figuring out what it meant in a larger sense. Only a week before these statements were made, the same quoted woman had been careful to refer to the Chinese adoptee as "the dark-haired girl" in the absence of her mother. Another mother who had carefully danced about in the "dark-haired girl" conversation later said to the adoptive mother that her daughter looked "poised . . .like a little Chinese gymnast." In the presence of the adopter, the Chinese-ness of her daughter was a perfectly broachable, even hammerable subject. However, it seemed that "Chinese" was a forbidden word when the adoptive mother was not around.

It struck me that this was perhaps best left to the social sciences, or maybe a nature special. The alpha-bitch of the group was establishing her dominance, in a reproductive and social sense. She carefully proved her lack of racism by not referring to the girl as "Chinese" in front of other mothers. But when the mother of the Chinese in question was in attendance, it was fine to ask quaint questions about the differences between us and them. After all, an expert was in the room. This tactic served the added function of making the adoptive mother feel inadequate for not properly procreating. She was also shown that she was inferior for not having a child that fit into the accepted pack. Her daughter would be allowed in because of her husband's status as a doctor, but would always be non-white, would always be a curiosity, one of those people who can prove that our children and we have multi-ethnic friends. But maybe I was interpreting this in too malicious a way. Maybe the statements were pure innocent ignorance. I wondered if the quoted maybe had a number of bad experiences with the inscrutable Chinese, and was hoping to see if such behavior could be bred out of them in the right environment. Maybe the alpha-bitch didn't realize how offensive her remarks really were. But how could that be? This was Seattle in the year 2000. Seattle's been a major immigration point from Asia for over a century. It's not as if Asian people are a curiosity here. Hell, I married one.

Now, with that bit of information, you might be thinking that I, as a white guy, am overly sensitive about the nature of white-on-Asian relations in the city of Seattle. And of course I am. Since linking up with my wife, I've been subjected to a variety of remarks and attitudes that I would call "cutting" if I really thought they applied.

Certainly, in the modern world, interracial dating is hardly a shocking thing. However, it is not as free of stereotypes as one might believe. Even some of our friends seem to believe that I married my wife, who is Japanese, because of my desire to have a woman who would do as I say. Maybe you laugh. But people I thought I knew fairly well assumed a number of stereotypes applied to my wife and me because they chose to see what they expected to see. Granted, I tend to be overbearing and obnoxious toward the people I am close to (and absurdly shy toward everyone else) but it's not as if my wife takes any crap from me, or at least not any more than anyone else who chooses to tolerate me. She happens to be much more socially adept than me (personable not inscrutable) which may be the mind that only those closest to us recognize her biting sense of humor, and her creative ways of keeping me in line. Of course, my lack of subtlety plays into the ease of pigeonholing me as a redneck trying to control a complaisant wife. But perhaps as the result of being raised by a strong-willed widow, I could not conceive of marrying anyone who did not have her own personality, or own voice. If there's anything I can't stand it's someone who will let me run them over, which is not to say that I don't try.

Overall, my wife is more upset at the stereotypes than I am, even though they tend to implicate me as the real offender and exploiter. Of course, they also implicate her as having no backbone. In truth, I feel that my wife wants to protect me from people who misunderstand me, while I perhaps foolishly feel I am free to goof on her, knowing she is in on the joke.

In the end, there are still plenty of negative race-related attitudes buried down below our allegedly modern sensibilities. A couple can adopt a child outside of their own race, but will likely be reminded that the child is not "really" their own. A couple composed of members of different races is not viewed as just another couple but as interacting stereotypes. While most people have come far enough that they do not openly attack those who are 'mixing races' there are still plenty of sticks and stones making up the kinder, gentler words that are now tossed around. The most blatant offenses are gone, but those are perhaps all.

Jonathan Schildbach is living on Tokyo time, which is going to cause a lot of pain this September when he has to start getting his daughter to school by 9:00 a.m.